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Human Being NOT Human Doing

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

At the beginning of the school year, there have probably been a few $100 bills that have landed in the hands of some lucky young people! Nothing like a “Benjamin” to thrill the heart of a student as they shop for school!

As a therapist, the $100 bill has become one of my favorite clinical tools. Trust me, this is not about passing out $100 bills in therapy, but rather using the bill to illustrate a priceless truth regarding personal worth and value.

In a therapy session, these questions follow pulling a $100 bill out of my bag:

Question:      “What is this?”

Answer:         “Well, duh, it is a one hundred dollar bill.”

Question:      “What is it worth?”

Answer:        “A hundred dollars!”

Question:      “What if I wad it up and toss it on the floor?  Now, how much is it worth?”

Answer:        “Still a hundred dollars!”

Question:      “What if I throw it away…put it in the trash?”

Answer:        “Still a hundred dollars!”

Question:      “What if I put it in the church offering or donate it to a favorite charity?”

Answer:        “Still a hundred dollars!”

Question:     “What if I buy drugs with it?”

Answer:        “Still a hundred dollars!”

Question:      “What if I treat it with respect, cherish it, frame it and hang it on the wall?”

Answer:        “Still…a hundred dollars.”

I hope it is clear where this is going.

That $100 bill did not become worth $100 when it landed in a wallet, bank account, or someone’s hand. It had WORTH ASSIGNED to it before it was ever put on the engraving machines at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing. It was INTENDED in the early stages of development and prior to actual production. No matter how we spend or treat those bills, the inherent value remains the same.

Every person born has inherent value. We arrive as one-of-a-kind originals. If you think about it, there has never been a repeat person. There may be similar traits and behaviors, but there has never been an identical copy inside and out. Twins may look the same, but their individuality becomes obvious once they make themselves known.

Our experiences and behaviors may ebb and flow, but the inherent value of a person is intended and unchangeable. Remember how the $100 bill was treated at times in the illustration? Sometimes the value was ignored, overlooked, and perhaps even tossed aside with no consideration. It still did not change the value.

 

We will have a better relationship with others as we have a better relationship with ourselves.

There are many opportunities for our self worth or value to be challenged. Sometimes these “hits” to our value will come through others and most often we will do the devaluing. I cannot imagine a $100 bill trying to convince someone it is really not worth $100 and yet, we do this often to ourselves.

Here are a five ways to keep your personal value and worth intact:

  1. Be aware of distorted thoughts and negative self-talk.

 

  1. Practice being non judgmental of self and others. If we are aware of how many times we judge others, we are likely judging ourselves exponentially more often.

 

  1. Make the conscious choice to stay away from living in emotional extremes. Balance or the middle path is a very healthy place to aim. When we are reacting rather than responding, we are more likely to operate in the extreme. The difference is brain engagement. Reactivity is that “auto” response from the Limbic System of our brain, whereas, responding comes more from the prefrontal cortex or thought processor.

 

  1. Practice mindfulness. This practice involves staying present in the moment and not reacting from our history or in fear of future events. It can be a habit to run to the past and run to the future without thinking about what is happening right now.

 

  1. Ban making comparisons. Comparing is a futile, unreliable, and dangerous practice. Can you imagine that $100 bill crying because it is not a $20? Our culture promotes comparisons and it is a certain way to undermine personal value and worth.

 

My hope is that you never look at a “Benjamin” the same again. All people are born valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent, and spontaneous. With moderation, good boundaries, strong connections, and a true view of personal worth and value, neither life nor others will rob you of this belief of value.

That $100 bill did not ask to be the value it is nor did you. You did not earn your value and thus you cannot “unearn” it. Your value comes because you are a human BEING not a human DOING.

How to Talk to Your Kids About the “MoMo Challenge” (or Suicide Game)

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

If you haven’t by now, with school in session and kids sharing information, you may hear your children ask about the Momo Challenge. Our kids asked about it yesterday, and with the tone of fear escalating, we knew we had to deal with this head on.

What Is It?

There are many article descriptions online, so I will make this brief. A Google search can help elaborate (along with the actual image, but I would suggest refraining from showing it to your child. It’s enough to give an adult nightmares!) Originating from the free WhatApp texting app, an unfamiliar number will text, requesting to be added as a contact. Once the person accepts, a terrifying picture of a woman/chicken hybrid with bulging eyes appears. This image was taken from an Instagram account and used as the contact’s profile picture. “Momo” will then communicate via text messages. She offers the child a “challenge,” convincing the child that she will do harm to them or family members if they don’t comply. Each day the challenge consists of an action causing self harm or harm to others, concluding in instructions to commit suicide. This challenge has been reported world wide, and linked to the death of a 12 year old girl in Buenos Aires. While reports of the challenge began in March of 2018, a recent hack into Minecraft has caused Momo to chase players as an avatar, (which Microsoft is working on diligently), and images have appeared in YouTube gaming videos online.

How do we respond?

In our household, we are putting any form of online Minecraft on hold (until the hack is resolved), and only watching YouTube videos if a parent is in the room (until, I dunno, age 35??)

How can we talk to our kids about it to dispel rumors, but not cause fear?

Once Momo dissipates, a new threat will arise, so it’s best to deal with it now. Before Momo, we had the Slender Man, followed by Blue Whale. Here are some of the things we told our children, and may be useful information to pass along:

Remove the mystery of the monster:
Momo was a sculpture innocently created by a talented artist named Midori Hayashi in Tokyo, Japan. In the way we enjoy drawing monsters and unusual characters, Mr. Hayashi is able to create his characters in a more realistic form. Proud of his work, he posted a picture of Momo on Instagram with no intention of his image being stolen for this nefarious game. The image thief is most likely a teenager or young adult who thinks the power and news reports are exhilarating and feed his or her ego.

Remove the power of the monster:
Momo has absolutely no power. Never accept a message from an unknown messenger or caller on any app. If you for some reason do, understand that Momo does not have any of your information, and is lying if she says she does. Do not answer any question and immediately inform an adult. It is easy to make mistakes on media (adults do it all the time!), so always let an adult know what kind of images or messages you see. Hopefully it will be stories of stumbling cats or funny sports clips, but it’s sometimes sad, creepy, or strange things, and adults can help navigate through this.

Answer the “why”.
If it’s scary and hurtful, why would it be created, and why would children comply? This was the first question our children had, and I marvel at their innocence. Well, maybe naivety, but nonetheless, a very different response from my preteen self in the mid-80’s. I grew up with a love/hate relationship with all things Stephen King, The Twilight Zone, and the thrill of “true” ghost stories at slumber parties. There is an adrenaline rush dealing with the paranormal, and for some, having relationships outside of parental approval. We explained that we understand the appeal, but the stakes are too high with the internet. To keep any kind of privileges, our rules must be obeyed.

Keep the dialogue open
There may still be questions, and even curiosity from your child. Let your kid know that you are always happy to discuss the issue further, and if you don’t know the answer, will look it up and report back.

These 4 techniques seemed to squelch our kids immediate concerns, but at the rate these issues arise, we have decided to move to a small secluded island in Micronesia. Care to join?

Emotionally Intelligent Neighbors

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

For over three decades Mr. Rogers taught Americans how to be good neighbors. Decades before Daniel Goleman wrote “Emotional Intelligence”, Mr. Rogers was teaching viewers about being an emotionally intelligent neighbor. I must admit, as a child, I did not fully appreciate Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, but as I now reflect on his work, I can’t help but admire his legacy.

One of my favorite quotes from Mr. Rogers is, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we’re not alone.”

I believe Mr. Rogers is spot on with the above statement. Feelings are an unavoidable aspect of life; they naturally occur as we go through our daily activities. Even if you try to ignore them, drink them away, or even chase after them, feelings cannot be controlled. Feelings are instinctual.

As a culture, we tend to associate positive experiences to events that make us feel happy or peaceful. On the other hand, we tend to link negative experiences to events that make us feel sad or afraid. In the above statement, Mr. Rogers implied that positive and negative feelings are equally in need of mention.

Recent neuroscience is discovering why mentionable feelings are manageable. Dr. D’Amasio, professor of neuroscience at The University of California said, “Feelings are mental experiences of body states, which arise as the brain interprets emotions.” In other words, our feelings originate from our body’s instinctual emotional states and are influenced by our personal thoughts and memories. According to Dialectical Behavior Theory, emotions are our body’s instinctual expressions that serve to: 1) provide us information about our environment, 2) physically communicate to other people what we are experiencing, and 3) prepare us to respond to our environment. These instinctual emotions appear to be universal in nature (Ekman). That means people from around the world express emotions similarly to you and I. Thus, emotions are universal responses that provide us the ability to instinctually express what we are experiencing.

Emotionally intelligent people are aware of their body’s emotional states. Their awareness affords them the ability to manage their emotions and respond to their feelings. They are not emotionally reactive, but they are able to effectively communicate what they are feeling.  As a result, couples are able to effectively talk about their fears, parents are able to calmly discipline their children when they are angry, friends are able to share their enjoyment, and children are able to appropriately express their frustration. When neighbors share their experiences with one another positive feelings become more satisfying and negative feelings become less difficult.

As Mr. Rogers indicated, feelings are mentionable because they allow neighbors to connect with each other during life’s ups and downs. Let’s consider how we can increase our emotional intelligence with our neighbors by: 1) being mindful of our emotional states, 2) appropriately manage our feelings, and 3) intentionally accept things that are beyond our control.

“A joy shared is a double joy.  A burden shared is half a burden.” Swedish Proverb

Reflections on Clinical Depression Impact on the Home, Part 2

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

My previous blog on clinician depression looked at the financial impact depression is having on America.  What is often overlooked, or not discussed, is the impact clinical depression has on the home.  In this blog I am going to consider how depression affects the home and what loved ones can do about it.

Living with someone who is clinically depressed is incredibly difficult because he or she does not perceive the world like other people.  Just like a carnival mirror disfigures an individual’s body, a depressed individual misperceives his world.  A clinically depressed individual wears distorted lenses that alter his perceptions: positive experiences are dismissed, neutral events are catastrophized, and negative situations are personalized.

Overtime a depressed person’s distorted perceptions can slowly have an impact on his loved one’s reality as well.  For example, the child with a depressed mother can unconsciously begin to feel like he cannot do anything right because his mother has a strong propensity to overlook positive experiences.  A wife might begin to feel inadequate because she is unable to keep the peace at home because her depressed husband often erupts over small mishaps (e.g., dinner is not done on time).  If a loved one is not careful, he can unintentionally put on the “depressed lenses”.  There are a variety of ways someone might accidentally put on the depressed lenses: 1) compensate for the depressed individual by over-functioning for the depressed individual, 2) submit oneself to the negative subjective outlook of the depressed individual, or 3) waver between compensating and conceding with the depressed individual.

At Restoration we coach dysregulated patients to “ground” their emotions by practicing mindfulness.  What are the skills of mindfulness?  In Dialectical Behavior Therapy mindfulness is broken down into three skills: 1) Observe, 2) Describe, and 3) Participate.  I have found these skills to be helpful for those who have a loved one that struggles with depression. These skills can help you from inadvertently putting on the depressed lenses by: 1) factually observing yourself in reality, 2) empathically describing the depressed individual’s tension, and 3) appropriately allocating participation in the healing process.  For example, when your depressed love one stays in bed: 1) observe (or ground yourself with the fact) that his body is physically impacted by depression while being aware that he does not need to stay in bed all day, 2) empathically describe the depressed individual’s desire to stay in bed and the need to get out of bed, and 3) graciously participate by inviting the depressed individual to consider his options to be effective with his predicament.  Instead of inadvertently casting additional judgment (e.g., “Quit being lazy and get out of bed!”), a loved one can remain mindful of what is concretely observe, objectively describe, and appropriately participate in the loved one’s distress.  Mindful communication helps the depressed individual improve their ability to address one problem at a time, which reduces the propensity to fall into the global cognitive triad of depression (discussed in previous blog).

One last word of encouragement for those who love someone who is depressed, just as a depressed individual does not always accurately view his world, a depressed individual does not always accurately hear what people say to him.  Remember, they often dismiss positive statements, misperceive neutral statements and personify negative statements.  Talking to a depressed individual is an art that is very difficult skill to master even for the most experienced therapist.  Restoration has several therapists who would be happy to coach you on how to improve your communication with your depressed loved one.  Please call 817-291-9872 to set up an appointment to talk with one of our therapists at Restoration.

Connecting with your Child during the Summer

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

Summer is here! No more lunches to be made or homework to double check—finally a break! This is cause for celebration and yet, summer can also be a time that’s challenging. The lack of routine and structure can be difficult to manage.

There are two common mishaps when responding to the new routine of summer—overscheduling and a laissez-faire mentality. Overscheduling can lead to an atmosphere of rigidness, while a permissive schedule can ensue chaos. Both extremes result in our relationships with our children feeling disconnected. So how do we go about having a summer that is purposeful and cultivates meaningful relationships for our children? Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to make this summer one to remember.

1. Don’t fall into comparison

A seemingly harmless question that we hear this time of year is, “Do you all have any big plans for the summer?” In response, you may feel some excitement and readiness to share because you have an amazing trip planned, or this question may leave you with a tinge of embarrassment because for whatever reason, you’re home and without any big plans. Summer is a good time to remember that bigger is not better. Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that whatever images from social media you swipe through this summer are an antidote for creating a happy, close family. Now of course trips can be a fun opportunity to go on an adventure together, but when it comes to creating meaningful relationships with your children, they are not the primary way for growth. In fact, relationships get strengthened through the predictability of care in every-day life occurrences. So, when you see pictures of a really fantastic trip, celebrate that someone gets to have that experience and simultaneously see the value of where you currently are. There’s fun and purpose to be had right in front of you today, so make the most of the opportunity.

2. Don’t neglect self-care

Having a meaningful, relational summer does not equate parents running around providing constant entertainment and activities for our children. Sometimes we as parents can set unreasonable expectations of “Pinterest worthy” crafts and activities. Busyness does not foster healthy relationships. Lay down any lofty expectations and model rest for your children. By watching you take an hour to read or rest in the afternoon, they too begin to see the value in taking care of themselves. This is an unexchangeable gift for them to receive.

3. Do make your time purposeful and fun

So, if lavish trips and “Pinterest worthy” activities do not equate happy kids, what is the most meaningful way we can connect with our children? Routine, simple fun creates connections and memory-making opportunities. As mentioned earlier, relationships grow with predictable care. This is a two-fold process of engaging your child and being present to comfort and soothe your child. Keeping a routine is essential as it helps create a sense of felt safety. Your children know what to expect of their day and they know that you will be available to meet their needs. So, while you maintain a normal sleep and eating schedule, here are some ideas of what it looks like to add purposeful fun that engages your child and helps you connect with them.

  • Create an atmosphere that fosters creativity. Keep some of those amazon boxes handy, get out some old blankets and see what kind of fort or clubhouse your children create. Go to the art store and grab some paint and canvases. Let them create something beautiful.
  • Give each child the opportunity to plan a date of their choice. Give them some control to be in charge of a fun activity. Not only will they be so excited that it’s their choice, you will get insight into what they are currently loving.
  • Set some attainable goals that are age appropriate and that your child would be interested in.
    • Tying shoes, getting dressed by themselves, learning the alphabet, reading a lengthy chapter book, doing a cartwheel, writing letters to a family member who lives far away, or learning to plan and cook a meal are just a few examples.

Don’t forget to celebrate when the goal is completed!

  • Look for someone you can serve and include your kid in ways you can bless them. Preparing a meal for a friend or a random act of kindness can be very meaningful.
  • Utilize screen time as an opportunity for family time by watching a movie all together instead of screen time serving as an individual activity.
  • Spend a morning at home where your child leads you in play. Do they love Legos? Sit near them and watch them build and create. After a time of sitting close, it’s likely that they will engage you in their play.

4. Do seek joy even when it’s challenging

Even if you apply the above three principles to your summer, challenges will come. There is no perfect formula one can follow to avoid struggles. The beauty of parenting is that even on days where tantrums or negative attitudes seem rampant, there is joy to be found. There is beauty in the mess, but we have to choose to be present in order to see the beauty. Look around, what can you see, what can you hear, what can you smell, what can you take in that is good? Let those moments be the ones that are impressionable to you.

Let this summer be one to remember as you choose to see the beauty in the simple ways we can engage and enjoy our children.

Lessons from the Ballpark: Jeter’s Approach to Life

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

The New York Yankees retired Derrick Jeter’s number, # 2, in 2017. He retired as the Yankees leader in hits, games played, doubles, and stolen bases. As the Yankee’s captain, he led his team to five World Series wins. # 2 will forever live in the pinstripes allure as the 21st plaque to be erected in Monument Park at Yankee Stadium.

About ten years ago Jeter participated in a national drug free commercial. While showing childhood photographs of Jeter playing baseball, he shared how his parents were involved in his baseball development as a child. He said they taught, “If I practiced and didn’t give up … my swing would get better. If I got in front of the ball and wasn’t afraid … I’d stop it. That there weren’t any short cuts to becoming a better player, but if I’d believe in myself I could do it. Funny, all that time I thought they were teaching me about baseball.” The lessons Jeter’s parents taught him about baseball are relevant to life outside the baseball diamond.

One of the lessons I am always sharing with others is that we are either processing our experiences through educational or shame lenses. The education lens examines experiences as an opportunity to learn what we did well or what we can improve.  The shame lens, however, focuses on what is bad. When I listen to Jeter’s comments, I suspect his parents were teaching him to use the educational lens. By not giving up, facing fears, and working hard we can learn to be the person we were created to be in life.

Lessons from the Ballpark: Fired by my Son

Posted on by Restoration Counseling

My 7-year-old son publicly fired me from being his baseball coach. I remember it like it happened yesterday. We were standing in foul territory, next to the first base line, close to the dugout. I thought we could get some reps in before the game started.  He, on the other hand, wanted to have fun with his teammates. He confidently responded to my request, “I don’t want you to coach me anymore!” It was the best thing he could have done for us.  Don’t get me wrong – I felt slighted. I remember immediately becoming enraged and thinking to myself, “How dare he talk to me like that!  He can’t fire me. I’m his dad.”

It took everything within me not to react, but he was right.  I needed to be fired by my son. I was placing unrealistic expectations on him.  In my mind he needed to be flawless as the coach’s son. His mechanics needed to be perfect. I was pushing him too hard. I had goals for him.  He was supposed to make the all-star team, which would naturally lead to him being drafted by the Texas Rangers. I confess … I put way too much pressure on my son and robbed him of the joy of playing a game.

Needless to say, I obliged my son’s request and stopped coaching.  Over the next couple of seasons I humbly accepted my demotion and learned to enjoy watching my son play from the stands. While sitting in the bleachers I learned how to be a father who appreciated the opportunity to watch my son have fun playing baseball. I stopped nit picking on his mechanics. I encouraged him after his defeats.  And I congratulated him on his successes.

As I became my son’s biggest fan it seemed that his enthusiasm for the game slowly returned. When I stopped pressing him he began to ask me questions about his game again. Our baseball relationship slowly returned to a balanced state.

After a couple of seasons as a spectator, my son actually requested that I return to the dugout. I cautiously accepted his invitation to coach again. I knew I needed to integrate my newly acquired skills as a supportive observer while maintaining a patient leadership role as a coach.

That next season was the best season I have ever had during my baseball career. I was able to connect with those boys in an indescribable way. It was as if we caught lightning in a jar. I had fun watching the kids play while they developed under my leadership. The boys were able to take their game to the next level.  Despite only having one previous “all-star” player on our team, we finished the season with the best record in the league and missed the league championship by only one game. I will forever remember the 2015 Orioles and the lesson I learned at the ballpark.  This Father’s day, remember to let your children teach you how to have fun.